Pulling teeth.

In high school I had a friend, Lana, who was obsessed with teeth. She always told me to smile and always wanted to look at my teeth. She wanted everyone smile actually... and always wanted to look at their teeth. While I've never hated going to the dentist, I've never entirely enjoyed the experience. I love the feeling after it's over, but the actual visit part I could live without.

My life feels like a dentist visit lately, except that I'm the dentist and a lot of people in my life are the patient. It feels like I'm pulling teeth, making them doing something they don't want to do. It seems like I'm repeatedly asking for simple things, am constantly being told what I should be doing, and am left with no concrete feeling of direction.

I want a vacation. I want a long, romantic weekend that I don't have to plan. Why? Because I plan everything. And everything never seems to work out. Exhibit A - camping site #1. I want a job. A real job. I don't want to move. Ever. I love Ft. Collins. I love my family. Even if they are a pain in my ass for wanting to know answers to questions that I can't get answered myself. I want people to stop telling me that I need to bide my time. Screw that. I've bided my time for eight years. And doubly so for going on two years. I want tulips just because - not because I asked for them. I don't want to be measured against my brother. Period. He's the golden boy, I get it. I want a yard. And if it happens to be surrounded by a picket fence, so be it. I want to sleep-in on Saturday mornings and go out on Saturday nights. I want to go camping without it being a hassle. I don't want to go running by myself. I want my family to choose a day and time not based on the golden boy's schedule, but mine. And I don't want to feel guilty about it. I want to live life for today. Not the financial future. I know what regret is and I know what's most important. I want to make my grandparents proud. I want to travel, and not just up and down the same highways. I'm sick of junk. In my closet. In my kitchen. In my garage. In my head. And I want house insurance. And health insurance. Why? My tooth hurts. Seriously. At least whenever I can afford to go to the dentist, maybe it won't hurt as much. I'm kind of getting used to this pulling teeth nonsense.